Oh Baby he’s back!

Ok I’m back…What the heck happened?…I don’t know, but the Bachelor and American Idol have been consuming so much of my time lately (Not really, the Bachelor is the worst show on television…Anytime I hear SAHM start talking about it…I pretend Luke has pooped and get out of there…FYI Crazy Courtney gets picked…They will be broken up in 4 months). 

So let me tell you whats been going on with our adventures.  First and foremost, I’m part of the club now! Yes, you heard it hear first.  I’m talking with the SAHM’s like we’ve been old friends.  We are even on first name basis…They sing special versus of some songs that include “Daddy” instead of “Mommy”, everyone looks at me and smile..(Ohhhh Its so goll dang cute..Whatever). I think the last Rhyme Tyme brought me to a whole new level of stardom.  So, when the woman leading forgot how one of the songs was sung no one respond…Well except for a certain SAHD!  Here is how it played out…(Put in proper script format just cause I watched the Oscar’s yesterday)

                              

                                                  Instructor
      I can’t quite remember if this is a song or if we just say it…Anyone know?

(Silence in the room)

                                                 SAHD Ted:
                                        Yeah its a sung song.

Ted shakes his head and thinks to himself why can’t you keep your mouth shut.

                                                 Instructor
                                                Ok…Thanks

She then proceeds trying to sing it and the Rhyming is all wrong.

                                                   Instructor
                                Ok I can’t remember how it goes.

Looking directly at SAHD Ted.
                                                   Instructor (CONT’D)
                                 Would you mind singing it?

A look of terror appears upon SAHD Ted’s Face.  All eyes are on him, we can tell he doesn’t want to sing, but knows he has to stay strong and blurt out the song.  He clears his throat.
 
                                                    SAHD Ted (cracking voice)
                               Clap your hands 1,2,3. Clap your hands just like me.
                               Roll your hands 1,2,3. Roll your hands just like me.

The Instructor still has a confused look upon her face.

                                                     Instructor
                                   hmmm…I just don’t remember it. Would you mind leading us?

SAHD head falls in disbelief. He begins to sing and the Instructor tries to help and everyone starts singing. After the song is complete.
                                                     Instructor
                                    Sorry that you had to do that?

                                                     SAHD Ted
                                     That’s fine, just next time let me warm up a bit.
Everyone chuckles…

FADE TO BLACK

Speaking of movies…I attended my first Mommy & Me movie! I walked into the theater and after I bought my ticket two SAHM’s were handing out a Mommy boot camp brochures…The women says, “Oh we love SAHD’s”.  Then she points and says this is suppose to say…Dad’s welcome too! (Well then why doesn’t it…I really want to take this class cause I think it would be funny to blog about, but I’m not jumping and running around my stroller) So to make me feel more welcome I go and sit down towards the back cause there is some serious breastfeeding convention in the first few..well throughout  the whole place (I bet there was some 50 gallons of milk drank during the film).  So I’m just minding my business and I had one SAHM walk in looks at me and says, “Oh wow a Daddy’s here”…What haven’t you ever seen a F’ing Dad before…I mean why is it still such a shock to women…On to the movie, which I saw about a whole 48 seconds of.  Lucas decided he couldn’t sit there and every time I tried rocking him or feeding him he just wouldn’t have any of it. I wanted to leave, but since I was one of the first ones there my stroller was blocked in by 108 other strollers I had to hold Lucas for the whole movie walking in and out of the theater. I wouldn’t call it a disaster, I would say it was a complete disaster.  SAHD needs a better plan for next week!

Snoopy, A massage Therapist and A Pick Up-Artist

Snoopy, The Massage Therapist and The Pick Up-Arist

I know, I know…You are probably thinking what can all of these things do with being a stay at home Dad.  Well this is where the story begins.  So my troubles at trying to feel not so awkward around the SAHM has dwindle a little, but I still needed to find a way to break through figure out why I, Ted, The Great SAHD (Self-titled) was having soooo many awkward moments with these Moms…So what did I do? I went to the world’s greatest pick up artist for advice, No Seriously I did.  A long while back I read this book called “The Game”, in which a regular guy masters the art of social situations and becomes the worlds greatest pick up artist.  I mean seriously one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read. (Now You are probably saying, “Ted, why do you want to pick up these women” and my answer would be, a quick slap to the face and say, “How dare you” and then say, “I just want to master the social situation”).  So I pulled out my old book and found his email and website address.  I emailed the man, not ever thinking I would get a response from him.  I was sitting down one afternoon checking my email while Luke napped (yes his naps are getting better, no fussing, no crying, sleeping for up to 2.5 hours…Win!).  I couldn’t believe it, but he wrote back to me! Here is the advice he gave me!

Ted,

Thank you for your kind email–

It’s all about where you stop the interaction: Open then build comfort.

Peoples’ favorite topic is themselves. But with mother’s the focus shifts to their children and child rearing. Plus, women love to help. Try asking for their opinion on any particular concern you may be having about when your child is X age–focus on the kids. Maybe follow up with something controversial like the current concerns surrounding immunization. You could also ask them to help you with planning a great night out with the mother of your child and leads on good babysitters. Have a few things line up in your bag. It’s all about what would excite them to talk about. Just leave out the kino

Ha! That was awesome! (FYI Kino is a term used in the pick up community for things like touching the arm and blah blah blah…but that is not what this blog is about..Ha!) So basically I came up with a little script/routine to make myself feel comfortable and break down the awkward barriers that we had. Here is what I came up with:

1) How old is your child?
2) Child’s name? (This can then lead into how did you pick the name or is it a family name)
3) Then I introduce my little one (I try to be funny and say something like, “This is Luke, his sign is Cancer, he enjoys rice cereal, Where the wild things are and long crawls on the beach…This usually gets a laugh and lightens the mod)
4) Then I ask what other story times or activities they go too. (This is a good leading question so you can go into the next question, which everyone can really relate to and gets the SAHM talking up a storm)
5) Being at home alone really is crazy, that is why I have to get to as many as these as possible. What about you?

You may also want to have a funny diaper story or a another funny feeding story too…

I’m starting to realize that these SAHM are just like me (well not really, but in some ways we are).  We are all in this together trying to what is best for our children, but we are also people too (I’m really not sure why I wrote this last sentence, but I was in the motivating mood). 

So I’m sure you are now wondering what happened to Snoopy and the Massage Therapist? Right? Well I was waiting for the ending…I saw this picture at story time and just started laughing out loud…I mean come on whoever did this poster had to know that stay at home Dads would laugh at this..Right?  I also love a Happy Ending Snoopy…I hope this is a happy ending for you all too!

Being a SAHD is Sooooooo Easy!

Being a SAHD is Soooo Easy!

What a great day we had! Probably the best SAHD day ever(well so far)!  I don’t know if you believe in the spirits and such, but there have been two occaisions where my wife has asked for my Granpda (who Lucas is named after) to help him sleep and have him be a good boy.  Both times she asked Grandpa to be with Lucas he took a 3 hour nap and yesterday he took a 2 hour and 10 minute nap(normal nap times range from 30-55 minutes) and was the happiest he has ever been! The strange thing is that it would have been my Grandpa’s 95th Birthday yesterday(insert Ghost sounds)!  So let me just say thanks Grandpa! So, when you get at your wits end with these little guys…Maybe ask some people from your past to help out…
 
So basically Yesterday was a day filled with swimming lessons, napping for over 2 hours, no fussing, Lucas feeding himself, changing his own diaper, doing yoga to call himself down and discussing whether he thinks all vaccines are neccessary (Ok maybe he didn’t do yoga, but it sure felt like he did everything else).  I’ve never seen him so happy just to be in the moment of being a baby!
 
OFF TO THE POOL
As we got to the pool for our first swim class, I noticed two other Dads in the locker room and the first thing I wanted to do was hug them (finally other SAHD…so I thought, the Moms were there, but the rule was one parent in the pool at a time..Come on Man!). So I did the next logical thing I wanted to make sure of was that I was in better shape than the other two(must be something that the SAHM are wearing off on me)..Which I don’t want to brag, but if I consider myself to have a two-pack (You know the top two abs showing if you can pull your stomach down a little…) these guys didn’t have any packs(So I was happy and probably the one the SAHM’s were giggling about..in a good way)…So we headed to the pool.(FYI I didn’t wear my Europrean bathing suit that my wife tricked me into buying during some afternoon cocktails in Croatia…Yes it is very tight)
 
The class was fun, Lucas loved the water! He also loved draining his snotty snots in the pool…He had this one snotty snot coming out of his nose and I like a good Dad got it out and then got out of the pool and went to put it in a towel.  Then I got back in mid of  ”The wheels on the bus” song was chiming through the pool. (Oh man not another snotty snots).  So what did Dad Wonder do? (freeze frame) Did He (A) get out and wipe in the towel again? or did he (B) Let it float!(I know gross) I would rather not divulge this information, but in my defense it was cold out of the pool and I figured they have so much chlorine in there that all the germs would be killed in a matter of minutes or end up in a drain). Son of a I think I gave the answer away, I hope they clean the pool before I go next time.
 
So next came the Humpty Dumpty song where you set your child on the edge of the pool and then when Humpty Falls the kids fall in the pool (I personally would like to hear Digital Underground version of the ”Humpy Dance”, but that’s just me). Then they swim across the pool on there stomachs, nice and easy…Right? Well someone forgot to tell Luke that swimming is a quite sport.  Lucas proceeds to scream in pure joy ‘ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhh’ to and fro to the pools end.  I was laughing, the teacher was laughing, all the parents were laughing and he was loving it!
 
After a visit to Chipotle for Lunch (burrito bowls..maybe this is why I don’t have a full six-pack and I also love beer to much),I brought Lucas home and we played for a while and then he took his two hour nap! During this nap I also took a 30 minute nap and then went into super Dad mode: Laundry, Prepping Dinner, Fixed the bed (I don’t think our bed had been fixed since Lucas was born)! Then when my wife came home there was a glass of wine on the table and the Tuna was searing to top that off I got to have drinks with an old friend that night! FYI continuing to go out with friends is a must for any stay at home Dad.

Ok til next time,

Dad

Head, Shoulders, knees and crotch, knees and crotch.

Head, Shoulders, knees and crotch, knees and crotch.
 
So we once again Lucas and I ventured out to a new story time!  The stage was set, I was focused, prepared and ready to talk Mom speak to these Moms…And of course Lucas fell asleep…So I waited and waited outside the room (like a strange,awkward, stalker SAHD) while everyone started introducing themselves and the singing began.  After the 2nd song Luke woke up! Ok in we went! Luckily there was a spot right by the door…I sat down, scanned the room…22 Moms and me…(FYI this will be the name of my next band).  Luke was on my lap and at the end of the next song, the story time Moderator said, “And who do we have here”? I said, “This is Lucas” and pulled off the hat he was wearing (Almost like a magician pulling the rabbit out of the hat).  There was a collective “Ahhhhhhh”…Now I wasn’t sure if they were “Ahhhhh-ing” at how cute Luke was or how cute I was (I mean I was sporting a trendy Gap sweater and new Dad Jeans…ha!).  So I felt part of the clan, It was nice.  As we continued singing and I became more comfortable, then IT HAPPENED! (I know what you are thinking…He started screaming, burping, pooping…everyone pointed and laughed at us…I only wish). 
 
The Mom next to me tapped me on the shoulder and started pointing at my crotch, smiling and nodding her head. (First thought was ummmmm…Is this like a hazing thing for me to be part of the SAHM Club). I just gave a smile and turned my head away quickly…again..Tap, Tap, Tap. Pointing at my crotch, smiling and nodding and now whispering something I couldn’t understand. I thought maybe she had thought the song we were singing was head, shoulder, crotch and knees, crotch and knees …AGAIN..Tap, Tap, Tap…pointing, smiling…So after probably the most dumbfounded look I have ever given someone in my life (ok 2nd most dumbfounded look…The Band Leader was number one, but that is a whole other story).  I finally figured out what she was saying…P-A-C-I-F-I-E-R.
 
Sooooooo, I guess her little one had dropped her pacifier and it bounced off her leg and rolled right underneath me(ohhh really…I invented the drop the pacifier under you move!…You could have just said “Hello if you wanted to talk to me..ha!). Sure enough I reached under my leg and found the pacifier and pulled it out from under me. 

 
After the story time was done we exchanged our pleasantries (kids name, age, eating solids..other story times..blah, blah, blah) I headed for the door…So was it less awkward than the other story time…hmmmmmm…I’m still not 100% comfortable, but getting there…
 
So here is my question for you SAHM…What are topics other than kids do people talk about at story time?
 
I’ve got some fun stuff planned in the next couple of week so stay tuned..

Top Ten from Rhyme Tyme

So this post was inspired by Rhyme Tyme at the Library today.  Let me set up the scene, There were about 10 Moms and me…We sang songs, laughed and played with the little ones…Then the dreaded discussion time came up…Ummmmmm..After the first formalities were exchanged…What’s his name? How old is he/she? Are you still breastfeeding? (Enter Record scratch sound here).  My head almost snapped up…What have I gotten myself into again…What do I have in common with these women.  I usually can talk to anyone about anything at anytime, but I had nothing. I felt like I was on LOST and I was one of the others…I wanted out, but couldn’t bail so quick (I had to take a stand for all SAHD)…So I made some awkward exchanges and thank God Luke was there so I could distract myself from the others.  I did in fact make it through, but thought I should come up with a Top Ten List for thing Stay at Home Dads should not say to Stay at Home Moms….Here we go! (FYI…I love and respect SAHM so this is all in good fun).

10) Are those real?
9) So what do you do for REAL work?
8) (After seeing wet spot on shirt) Ummm…Did you forget your breast pads?
7) Would you consider yourself a MILF?
6) Would you consider me a DILF?
5) Are those the new Mom jeans?
4) No make-up today?
3) (After loud burp) I hope that was your baby.
2) I have a pair of sweatpants just like that…Awesome!
1) Already expecting again?

Ok so I can’t wait til next week when Luke and I head back to Rhyme Tyme and not feel so akward…I just need some time to adjust…

Another Week with Dad?

 

So we are on to week two of stay at home Dadding.  It was nice knowing on Sunday night while I watched the Broncos defeat the Steelers that I didn’t have to go into work, but I am slowly realizing that going to work is a break from being a stay at home parent! I mean it is non-stop and hard work…Props to the Stay at home Moms and Dads all over the world!!  
 
After battling with Luke to take a nap for 22 minutes I gave up…(Nice work son…Way to stick it to the man). and fed him some rice ceral and some squash.  The clock was ticketing to make it to story time on time…We had 28 minutes to bath,change and for me to shower.  I went into super daddy mode…I got Luke bathed and changed (That was the easy part, now onto making me presentable and not the homeless fahter look).  I never realized that stay at home parents don’t even have time to shower.  I felt like I should have been in one of those old films where they take the prisoners to the showers wash them off and then throw that disinfection powder on them…(That actually seems like a day at the spa compared to my shower). I put Luke in his bouncy chair, turned the shower on, set him in a spot where I could shower and also keep an eye on him through the crack in the door.  I mean to think how insane that is to go from a 5-7 minute shower to a 55 sec shower (I timed it on my iphone, I washed, conditioned, washed face and a quick body scrub in certain areas). 55 seconds…Are you joking..This can’t be the norm, I didn’t even get to dry and it was butt ass cold too…(There should be a book called, “What not to expect in the first year”..Like a nice shower)
 
So we were on our way to story time arriving with about 1 minute to spare (enter picture of proud Daddy face..FYI not shaven, we don’t have time to shave). I walk back to the kids section and to my surprise no one is around.  Ohhhh we are a half hour early…which is actually ok because Luke decided that he was now going to nap..So luckily there was a Best Buy next door and I went and dreamed about the kid-free man cave with the 70’ tv and poker playing buddies all around. (A man can dream can’t he?).  So as we left Best Buy Luke was up from his 18 minutes nap! (Come on kid, don’t do this to Daddy not today).  So we worked our way back to story time (which I think should be renamed “Chaotic Time” or “Kids jumping and running around screaming while a young girl reads a book and parents just stand and smile”).  Maybe I’ll understand one day, but the parents that let their kid run around and climb on the story persons back or the kid with the big red head stands about 1.5 inches from the book and points and shouts at everything…Ummmm…This is story time you should probably say something if your kid is the crazy kid…(Side note:There were two Asian girls sitting very politely listening to the story amid all the choas! I’m starting to become a Tiger Dad!). 
 
So as for story time I wish it last as long as my showers, but it wasn’t really that bad..Of course I was the only Dad and I felt like a athesist wearing a Tim Tebow jersey, but I’m sure I’ll get over that in the up coming weeks!

And it begins…..Hunger Strikes=No more Gandhi bedtime stories!

So the first day has come and gone! I awoke with great energy to start this day and show Luke that his Dad is the real deal stay at home Dad…10:18 and Daddy was ready for a nap, but Luke really isn’t the napping type…So he says or screams!  So I took him for a walk and of course he fell a sleep just fine.  Point for Daddy! (or so Daddy thought…Getting him to sleep only in the stroller will come back to haunt Daddy).  So after our hour walk where he slept the whole time he awoke with a big grin on his face ready to eat!

I prepped the bottle for the little guy (when I say prep, I mean warm up and put in bottle).  I slowly bring the bottle to his cute little mouth and I get the head turn! He doesn’t want anything to do with the bottle…I found this strange since he never had an issue with the bottle before…I mean we hadn’t tried it in a while since getting him on the breast was such a process, but he should go back easy right! Oh what in God’s name did we do…

As I sat there and fought with the resistance of a 5 month old a saying came to mind…(Well I searched for it,but couldn’t find it…It stated something like, ‘A man defending his home is stronger than a 1000 soliders). I mean this kid fought and fought. If you told me at the age of 5 months my son would be stronger in will and also physically stronger than me…I wouldn’t believe it…Well the physicality part of it. I’m now a firm believer in the strength and will of a baby more than anything.  My forcefullness was only a mere inconvience for Luke and he peaceful resistants to his bottle…I wouldn’t say it was 100% peaceful, but he tried…So in conclusion I will not be reading Luke the life works of Gandhi for his bedtime stories from now on!  I would love to see Gandhi try to get Luke to drink out of a bottle..Now that my friend is documentary!

So day one was pretty exhausting…Ok really questioning why I did this in the first place, is it too early for a beer? Day one concludes with an early bedtime for Luke and myself.

Good Night My Son!
Dad (signing off like this is the freakiest thing ever)

The Decision

****THE DECISION****

So the decision to do the stay at home Dad thing came with a lot of thought and consideration.  My wife first introduced the idea while she was pregnant, but I just took a new gig and enjoyed it and it paid very, very well. I told her I would think about it (That meant I would put it on the back burner until a few weeks before I needed to decide).  So I went on a mission to talk to as many people as I could about the stay at home Dad thing.  My first buddy who is a ful-time stay at home Dad with twins preached to me about the value of staying at home and never getting that time back and the bonding…blah, blah, blah…Yes this guy could probably give a speech that made me think it was a good idea to stay at home and open a Daddy Care!  Then I asked another buddy who says, “There’s no F*c#ing way I would do that”.  I also had family members weigh in on the topic and they all gave me good advice.  The overall factor of doing the stay at home thing was that by the time I would get home Luke would be in bed and I wouldn’t get any time with him.  I would only have the 1 and half hour in the morning to spend with him…It was a no brainer for me…So I decided to make the best of both worlds.

I approached my new gig that I just started in Sept. with the idea that I would get to spend time at home and also be able to work a few days a week.  Thanks to my very cool boss and flexibility of the company I got to do both a few days home with Luke and a few days working and staying in the ‘real world’.

There was also some behind the scenes works that my wife presented to me in order to secure my stay at home duties! They were pretty great offers and being able to negotiate with a such beautiful, intellegent and Hot Mom…I was ready to take the plung into stay at home Dadum!